I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Randomize
