apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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