someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
