allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
