I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize