So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
