not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
