sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
