I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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