i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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