I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
