You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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