I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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