I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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