tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
