If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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