If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
