I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize