i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
