Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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