right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
