dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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