I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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