i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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