didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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