last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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