Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We got so high we made milksteak
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize