Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
