Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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