Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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