You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
