We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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