I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
