I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
