if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
barbara walters just said penis...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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