dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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