He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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