we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
