Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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