the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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