I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize