Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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