I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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