there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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