Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
