I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
