i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
