Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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