just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Randomize
