If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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