I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just found puke in my bra..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
