arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
either way he was missing a nipple.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
