So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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