note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
