Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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