did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
