I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
