do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
