to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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