So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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