Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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