Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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